


Roads, Meat, and Witches

by Dr_Psyche



Series: Welcome to Homestuck [3]
Category: Homestuck, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-28 11:20:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/991431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dr_Psyche/pseuds/Dr_Psyche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's another lovely day at Night Vale, even if the sun isn't as hot as it should be. Road's have hair, Rose's book signing is interrupted by librarians, and a nice new Butcher shop appears in town. This episode is brought to you by Silent Hill.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Roads, Meat, and Witches

“You sit in your house, a noise is heard, stepping from around the corner. You turn to it, your heart races. Is it the Faceless Old Woman who’s come back to your home? Is it a burglar? Your mind races, you step into the next room and discover… nothing, an absence of any and all things, the room, the furniture… and you. Welcome To Night Vale.”

“Update on the sun. Some of its heat has returned, and the temperature has come to a 20 degrees Centigrade. Scientists, including precious Carlos, are still looking into it.”

“A new shop has opened up in downtown night vale, a butcher shop, for all our meat needs. The shop is called Barry’s Meat and Greet.” 

“Puns, they exist listeners, get use to them.”

“In unrelated news, all customers who’ve been into Barry’s have not been seen since.”

“The Sheriff’s secret police have sent us a fax, it seems that the following roads have been closed, 6, 5, and 3. The reason stated is that they’ve all been growing hair on the asphalt, and that the cars can no longer get any traction. More updates as they happen.”

“Author Rose Lalonde had a very eventful book signing yesterday. The signing went well, her wizard series is a hit among the kids and her erotic vampire novel a hit among the adults. It was unfortunately interrupted by a wild Librarian attack. Ms. Lalonde produced two knitting needles, or possibly wands of eldritch power, the difference is so hard to spot, and successfully fought them off using ancient and dark Majyyks. Her companion assisted her with what appeared to be a tube of lipstick that turned into a chainsaw. Sadly, aside from the librarians, there were no casualties. All future book copies had the option of being signed in librarian blood. I bought a brand new boxed series edition of "Complacency of the Learned," and gladly had each book autographed in blood. After the Q and A round, we burnt the public library down. I remind you next week we’ll probably need to burn it down again.”

“And now for Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. What is reality? Is it real, is what you see real, or is it merely making you think it’s real. Does the universe care about you? Or is it just watching you, judging you, waiting for you to slip up so it can criticize you? Remember! Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold.”

Spoken aside.

“Vince, where did this Fun Fact come from, it’s signed with the eye of providence wearing a top hat, there’s no name.”

answer spoken into headset 

“I guess that makes sense.”

“And now a word from our sponsor.”

“Stuck at home, need a vacation, just got to get away, do you have a slew of psychological problems? Well say no more, and take a trip to Silent Hill. This quaint little town is a cozy place, with two hotels, and a working hospital. The residents are friendly, and diverse, depending on what your psychological damage is. They’re a welcoming sort, who’ll gladly punish you for your sins. If you’re seeking religious enlightenment, look no further than the Order, they’ll see to all your morbid cult needs. If you like fog and Sirens, make Silent Hill your destination. Tired of all the architecture and buildings, well just take a trip to the Underworld, where the delightful Red light dwells, and everything is rusty and bloody. We reached out to one of their outstanding citizens for comment, but he could not speak as he had a giant metal pyramid on his head. He then killed our interview man with his large knife. Silent hill, just remember he’s waiting for you there.”

“Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, has met more of the Alternian trolls out of season. Several Juggalos, led by a troll dressed as a skeleton, passed by his house a few nights ago. The leader made a number of complex hand-signals, and gifs, greeting Larry. When Larry asked where they were going, they said they had stopped off at Night Vale to get some Faygo and head to Desert Bluffs for a ceremony. They then bid him good bye, through a number of other hand signals. Listeners, I am disappointed in these trolls, not only are they leaving us for Desert Bluffs, but their absence will bring down our tourism. We need these trolls, characteristically in autumn, to buy our overstocked Faygo. And they leave us, not for any other town but… Desert. Bluffs. I mean really, what does Desert Bluffs have that we don’t? Is it because the City Council stopped them from using citizens as paint? I mean really is that soooo bad that they had to go to Desert Bluffs of all places? Jeez, there’s no accounting for taste.”

“Anyway, and update on the road situation. It seems the afflicted roads have also grown legs along with their hairs. They’ve detached themselves and are trying to escape from Night Vale. We shall miss our precious roads, and hope the city repaves the areas where the roads once stood.”

“Barry’s Meat and Greet is about to give us a message, but first, the weather.”

Your hand fits in mine  
Like it's made just for me  
But bear this in mind  
It was meant to be  
And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks  
And it all makes sense to me

I know you've never loved  
The crinkles by your eyes  
When you smile  
You've never loved  
Your stomach or your thighs,  
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine  
But I'll love them endlessly

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth  
But if I do  
It's you  
Oh, it's you they add up to  
I'm in love with you  
And all these little thin-

“No, actually no, stop the weather, dear God please, my ears hurt.”

“I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen, I really am, I had Intern Vince pull the record out, I don’t know how we got that for the weather. I can hear strange inhuman roars from the management, and I think this music has upset them. We have received a few calls from Old Lady Josie, saying that the weather has upset the angels, and other concerned listeners demanded that it be stopped.”

“We here at Night Vale Community Radio would like to apologize to you all for that.”

“Ugh, the throbbing pain in my head will not stop me from reporting on Barry’s. Carlos and I did collect some minced meat from Barry’s yesterday for a delightful candle-lit dinner. It was the perfect night, the aromatherapy candles smelled lovely, the table was set, and my bloodstone helped illuminate the rule in a soft red pulsing glow. The burgers we made from the meat tasted funny and Carlos, precious Carlos, offered to run some tests, but later because we got to watch “Life is Beautiful” after eating. Well it seems smart sensitive Carlos has faxed us telling us that the meat was 50% cow and 60% human. What’s worse, it contained growth hormone! Can you believe that, I mean really hormones? Listeners, I implore you to not shop at Barry’s Meat and Greet, these growth hormones can have devastating effects on young children. Carlos gave me the specifics, but I was lost in his swirling eyes to remember them. These hormones are so bad that they’ve made the meat content exceed 100%. Let me speak for all of you when I say… that’s just gross.”

“Author Rose Lalonde has offered to do a book signing at the Private Branch of Night Vale’s library. Marcus Vansten, Night Vale’s richest and greatest citizen, was surprisingly agreeing to the suggestion. He stood in a press interview, his eyes glowing a purple not unlike Miss Lalonde’s, and declared that his impressive library is open to the public, where they may indulge in all their reading curiosities and sate their thirst for knowledge. May their minds ever be open to the prospect of new and extensive information. May biographical comprehension exceed that of only Helen Hunt.” 

“Marcus was unusually eloquent in his speech. Miss Lalonde will continue her signing of bought copies.”

“We have another update on the sun, it appears to have increased temperature by one degree bringing us up to a 21 degrees centigrade. “

“Wait, this just in, The Sheriff’s Secret Police have Barry’s Meat and Greet surrounded. It seems that he’s been selling human’s as his meat, without putting a proper labeling on his products, and without a license! The police are asking him to give himself up, but he has launched meat projectiles at them. This, experts confirm, is dolphin, which is also illegal to sell without a permit, and frankly tastes bad. Barry has given this official statement, raving like a lunatic from behind glass that The Sheriff’s Secret Police have just confirmed as Bullet Proof, wow, Barry must have a powerful voice.”

“Chop chop chop. I’ll cut you all up, I’ll put my cleaver in all of you.”

“This statement is nothing new, as he said that when Carlos and I bought food from him. He seemed so nice.”

“Roads 6, 5, and 3 are seen roaming around on the desert flats. They seem confused, and trying to get used to their new forms. They each gave a solemn moan to the sky and crawled away. I do not know where these hairy sentient road creatures have gone, but wherever they may go, I know one thing, they are free. Listeners, these roads have been ridden on and walked on for decades, now they may roam free as living, possibly breathing, furry road monsters. Isn’t that what we all strive for listeners?”

“A few things before we sign off. Intern Vince has given me an update on the Barry situation, before he was pulled into the Station Management office, and very likely absorbed into their mass. To the parents of Vince, you have my condolences; he was a very nice boy. The update reads that the Sheriff’s Secret Police have stormed Barry’s Meat and Greet, and subdued him with 36 or possibly 37, darts. When they took him in, representatives from a vague yet threatening government agency, this one different than usual, laid claim to him.”

Whisper “From their blue uniform, I think their from Amestris, possibly their military science division.”

“They said something about binding a human soul to a suit of armor and took him away. I for one would like to say goodbye to Barry and his wicked hormone filled beef, ugh.”

“Final update, “The Mystery Shack Mobile Edition,” and “Lil Gideon’s Show” will be delayed till the week after, see you then. Carlos and I have a date tonight, and I’ve got him a present, with just a little bit of blood on it. Good night Night Vale, good night."

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Night-Vale is a production of Commonplace Books. It is Written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kramer and produced by Joseph Fink. The Voice of Night-Vale is Cecil Baldwin. I own none of it; neither do I own Fullmetal Alchemist, Homestuck nor Gravity Falls.
> 
> Today’s Weather was “Little Things” by One Direction. I neither love nor hate the band, but it seems Cecil and the Management does.
> 
> This episode was brought to you by Honking
> 
> HONK
> 
> honk
> 
> HoNk
> 
> hOnK 
> 
> Today’s Proverb: A Picture is worth a Thousand Words, this is non-negotiable, if you’re short even one word when paying for a picture, the seller reserves the right to call the Sheriff’s Secret Police on you.


End file.
